


Save me - Septiplier

by hyp3rfr34k



Category: Septiplier - Fandom, jacksepticeye, markiplier - Fandom, youtube - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Anorexia, Anxiety Attacks, Bulimia, Depression, Drinking, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Happy Ending, Heavy Angst, I swear, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, MIA - Freeform, Recovery, Self-Harm, Septiplier AWAY!, Suicide Attempt, Suicide thoughts, ana - Freeform, is that even a warning, it's gonna be fine i promise, swearing I guess, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-15
Updated: 2017-05-19
Packaged: 2018-08-29 18:03:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 13
Words: 15,339
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8499814
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hyp3rfr34k/pseuds/hyp3rfr34k
Summary: Jack's been hiding something from Mark and when he finds out he knows he has to go there and do something, but is it too late?This is a story about recovering from eating disorders, self harm, depression and such, please read with caution and don't hesitate to ever reach out if you're in need of help <3





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> As the tags show this fic will contain graphic depictions of self-harm, anxiety and deppression so PLEASE don't read if you're triggered by that. Take care everybody and feel free to reach out to me if there's anything that you would like to talk about :3

The crimson dripped down from his arm, making a puddle on the floor. Jack felt like he should be shocked or even disgusted at what he had done as he dropped the blade but he wasn’t, maybe he had gotten used to it. Used to the feeling of being empty, used to it being replaced by relief as he dragged the sharp metal object across his skin, used to the feeling of being worthless that was sure to come afterwards. "Maybe if I never stopped I wouldn’t have to feel this again" he said out loud to himself. Deciding he had had enough for tonight he ran a towel under the tap which had been pouring out warm water for the last 20 minutes, that’s when he was gonna stop the first time, obviously that didn’t work out. After cleaning up both himself and the bathroom he shrugged on a hoodie and went to bed.

What if your fans could see you now? They’d be disgusted with you.

And imagine your so-called-friends, how would they react?

You know that Mark wouldn’t want to talk to you again, and what would you have then?

Maybe you should just end it all, help everyone else out by not existing.

You family would get over you quickly, you have four more siblings. You’re the youngest and least acomplished of them all, you’re a disgrace to your family, you don’t even have a real job.

Jack was used to these thoughts, he had lived with them for years after all, although, for some reason the urge to do something drastic was stronger that night than what it usually was. Maybe beacause he hadn’t left his house for the entire week, or perhaps it was because he hadn’t eaten anything in almost three days but he just couldn’t let go of the thought of the bottle of pills in the cabinet over the sink in his bathroom. The vidoes he had been posting lately were all stock videos he had prepared for when he was supposed to be attending pax later this month, he had just not been feeling like reording for soo long. It felt good to take a break. Well that was kind of a lie, he didn’t really feel good at all but it was nice to not feel stressed about makng videos anymore. He had been really distant from the internet lately, not tweeting anything and the last fan art on tumblr that he had reblogged was three days ago. Again, he had just not felt up for it. Actually, he had not felt up for that much lately, not even living, what was the point?

You’re just a fat, lazy, worthless piece of shit.

No one even wants you here.

Just die already.

He was ripped from his thoughts by the sound of an incoming skype call, a sound he hadn’t heard in a while. It was Mark. For reasons unkown he acceted the video call and forced a smile he hoped didn’t look fake.

”Hey Mark” he waved but was only met with a concerned look on the face of his friend. ”Hi Jack, how are you?” Jack knew he would have to lie.

”I’m good man, how are you?” He kept smilling, hoping Mark wouldn’t see through his lie but it seemed as though he had done just that.

”For real Jack, are you ok?”

”What do you mean? Why wouldn’t I be?”

”Well firstly there’s the fact that you look like shit, bags under your eyes and skin pale even for you, plus it looks like you’ve been losing weight. Secondly, you haven’t been active on any social media for the past few days which is very unlikey of you. And I bet all the videos you’ve been uploading were recorded at least a month ago? I rememer you telling me about recording turmoil and happy wheels and you haven’t uploaded those videos until now.” Damn, Mark was way too observant, Jack had hoped no one would notice.

”I- I’m fine, just a… a bit tired is all. I haven’t been able to sleep lately.” Jack stuttered.

”Sean, please just tell if me you’re okay.” Fuck, he used Jack's real name, he was serious.

Don’t tell him, he’ll just want to get you out of his life. He’ll just push you away

Better if you just keep lying, you don’t want to scare off one of the few friends you actually have

”Sean?”

Jack bit his lip, willing the tears in his eyes to stay where they were, to not fall down his cheeks. He instinctivly pulled his sleeves down over his hands and looked away from the worried expression his friend had.

”I- I don’t know, I’ll be fine though, I’ve just been feeling a bit down lately but I’m sure it’ll get better” he forced a smile.

”Promise? I can come over if you want to have some company?”

”No it’s fine, you don’t have to. I know you’re busy with work and all” The Irishman tried to make up excuses even though he knew he would feel so much better with Mark in the house. “And it’s really not that bad.” Sean once again attempted to reassure him and have him stay where he was, why would he even want to come over for him anyway?

Suddenly the green-haired man could feel how his sweatpants started getting a bit wet on his thighs and when he looked down they weren’t grey anymore, but stained a deep red. He panicked.

“Uhm, Mark I- I have to go” Jack managed to stutter out as ha reached up to scratch the back of his head which he soon found out was a very bad idea. Sean could see how all the color in Mark's face drained when he looked at me.

“Jack, your, your arm…” The younger of the two could see shock in his face, and something he told himself was disgust. “Why would you...?”

But he didn’t have time to complete the sentence before Jack screamed out “I’m so sorry Mark!” and hit the button to end the call.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> another chapter, please read through the tags before reading this - they exist for a reason - and feel free to contact me if there's anything you'd like to talk about <3

As Jack hit the button to end the video call he knew he’d fucked up, he couldn’t believe he’d let Mark know about his secret, the one thing he had to hide he’d accidentally outed to the most important person in his life. Getting up from his chair he sighed, knowing what he had to do. Yet he couldn’t help but feel a little bit happy about what was to come, after all, he’d been waiting to do this for a long time. He grabbed his purple notebook that he usually kept by his desk for video game purposes knowing that now it would be useful for something else. As tears rolled down Jack’s cheeks he started to write, the ink spilling out over the paper wherever his tears would land on it.

To whoever finds this, I’m sorry. I’m sorry you were the one to find me and I’m sorry it had to end this way but I knew my time had come.

To all my fans  
Don’t let this be something negative in your lives, I don’t want you to be sad or upset about me doing this.  
There’s nothing you could have done.  
This is not, by any means, your fault. Keep believing in yourselves, even when I couldn’t.

To my family  
Maybe you’ll miss me, maybe you’ll be happy or relieved that I’m finally gone, I’d be if I were you. You’ve been a wonderful family and I want you to remember that this was my own decisions and it’s not, by any means, your fault.

To my friends  
Thank you for wasting your time on me, if it weren’t for you this probably would have happened way earlier but thank you for making my time on this planet more enjoyable. And I want you to know that this was, by no means, any of yours’ fault.

To Mark  
You always kept on believing in me and you were such a huge inspiration for everything I’ve done, I’m forever thankful for the time I got to spend with you and I can’t help but wish that we’d get to meet more times but it is what it is. I’m better of this way, we both are. I have for a long time now loved you and I’ll do it until I take my last breath, even after then. This was not, by any means, your fault and I’m sorry I had to leave you like this.

Once again, I’m sorry and I love you all  
Sean McLoughlin.

 

Jack went downstairs to leave the note on his dining table, looking over at the fridge he felt sick and a wave of nausea hit him. He ran to the bathroom and dry heaved into the toilet, he wasn’t able to get anything out since he hadn’t eaten in days. Wiping his mouth on the back of his hand he stood up to look at his reflection. He saw a pale, tired-looking man with dark circles under his eyes and a frown etched on his face, he was disgusted by the look of himself. This wasn’t him.

Yes, it’s you, you’re just as disgusting as you look.

Just get it over with already.

No one is going to miss you anyways.

Jack opened the cabinet he was standing in front of and took out the sleeping pills but he felt like he wasn’t quite ready yet, there was something he had to do. Going back to his recording room he sat down at his desk, bringing the pills with him, and turned his computer back on. Opening skype he saw that he had over twenty unread message from Mark. Most of them were the same: “Jack please answer me!” “Are you okay?” “Please don’t do this.” And so on, although there was one message that caught his attention, something he didn’t quite expect. “Jack please, you’re making me worried. I love you.” Of course, he just meant it as a friend but Jack couldn’t help but feel something as he read the sentence. The first positive feeling he’d had in a while.

Of course, it’s not true, why would anyone love you?

Sighing Jack closed skype and opened YouTube instead. Going to his last video he read through the comments, his mind filtering away the positive ones and only focusing on the hate comments.

‘I don’t get why he’s so famous, all he ever does is scream’

‘You only get views because pewdiepie gave you a shout out’

‘I’m only watching his videos hoping Mark’s is gonna be in them. He’s so much better at YouTube than Jack, he’s actually funny’

Jack couldn’t help but agree with them, he shouldn’t be this famous, it’s all because of his friends, without them he wouldn’t have gotten anywhere.

Jack stayed up way too late that night just going through old videos and finding things to hate about himself,  
at 4:30 he finally fell asleep with his head and arms resting on his desk.

It wasn’t until noon the next day that Sean woke up, remembering the night before and immediately going to his bathroom to push away the thoughts the only way he knew how to.

An hour later Jack stepped out of the shower with aching limbs and a mind a little clearer, he looked down at what he had done and felt, once again, disgust towards himself.

Skipping breakfast, or rather lunch, the Irishman went to go get dressed so he could leave the house for a walk. He stayed out the remaining part of the day just mindlessly walking around town with music blasting in his ear as a distraction. He had a beanie pulled over his hair and looked down as he walked as not to get recognized. He wished he could have worn sunglasses but with the Irish weather it would just have drawn more attention to him. When he got back home at 11 pm he realized he had forgotten about uploading videos today, something he’d never done before all throughout his YouTube-career. Going to his social medias he was completely overwhelmed by the number of messages he’d received asking why there were no videos an if he was okay, ignoring them he went to his red-haired American’s page to find that he’d tweeted  
‘No videos for the upcoming few days, don’t worry about me, I’m fine, I just have to deal with something. I’ll get back to you all when I’ve sorted it out, stay strong <3’

Jack knew he had to be the cause of this, why else would Mark suddenly disappear without any further explanation? He felt the guilt wash over him as he read the replies Mark had gotten, blaming himself for making Mark leave his community. Deciding he needed something to help him make the last phone call he went down to his kitchen to get a beer, but figuring a beer wouldn’t be enough he went over to his liquor cabinet, pulling out a bottle of Jacks Daniels instead. He downed almost half of the bottle in less than half an hour, feeling a little bit more than tipsy he went back to his room. As he picked up the bottle of pills and shaking a few into his palm he wondered how many he would need. ‘Maybe I should just take all of them? It’s not like I’m gonna need them later or anything.’ Shrugging he swallowed all of them taking a swig of the whiskey to wash every handful down.  
He then sat down in front of his computer and opened skype to call Mark one last time, but when he got no response from the half-Korean he just went to lie down on his bed, drinking more of the whiskey on his way over there. He’d decided to try to fall asleep instead of just waiting it out. Then he wouldn’t second guess himself and run to the toilet trying to purge, he knew he needed to do this.

Right when he was about to fall asleep he heard frantic knocking on his front door, deciding to leave it he just turned over to lie on his side and tried to ignore it but the knocking didn’t stop. He stood up and made his way downstairs almost falling multiple times, the alcohol having made a clear effect on him. But when he opened the door he was met with something he didn’t expect. Soaking wet, standing in front of him was

“M-Mark?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading, as always, kudos and comments are greatly appreciated c:


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the feedback on the last chapter, comments make my day <3

“M-Mark?”

Jack couldn’t believe his eyes, what the hell was Mark doing here? Sean didn’t have any time to process what had just happened before Mark pulled him into a tight hug, muffling his questions and just holding the Irishman close. Jack didn’t want to ever pull away but he needed answers.

“What are you doing here?”

“What do you think? I came to see you, obviously”

“But why?”

“Jack come on, I think we both know why I’m here” Mark said as he pulled the green-haired man into the house, closing the door after them. The taller man dragged the pair into the kitchen to sit down but he stopped dead in his tracks when he saw the note laying on the table. "Sean, is this what I think it is?"

Jack was so ashamed he couldn't even stand looking at Mark so instead he just averted his gaze down at his feet trying to ignore his friend but he couldn't pretend like it was nothing when Mark walked over to him to put his fingers under Sean's chin and tilt his head up to lock their eyes. Jack felt his heart break when he saw the tears in Mark's eyes. It was his fault Mark was hurt.

"Jack please talk to me." He found it hard to focus at Mark when black dots started dancing across his field of view, making it near impossible to stand up straight without rocking back and forth. "Jack!?" The panic was obvious in Mark's voice, "What have you done Sean? You haven't taken anything, have you?" But Jack couldn't answer the question, everything was a blur, so instead he just felt himself tumble down to the floor, Mark throwing himself down beside the Irishman to told him. The last thing he heard was "Sean please don't do this, I love you"

~~~~

When Jack woke up the first thing he heard was light snoring, he slowly pried his eyes open and looked over to his right were he could see Mark sitting in a dirty white plastic chair, clutching Jack's right hand in his left and a wrinkled note in his right. When his eyes got accustomed to the bright light in the room he took a closer look at Mark's face and found that he had dried tears on his cheeks.

Why had Mark been crying? And where were they? Jack looked around the room and immediately got a feeling of guilt as he realized what had happened last night, and why he was in a hospital. He'd actually tried, and he'd failed. Because of Mark.

"Oh fuck" he groaned as he tried to sit up but was stopped by multiple tubes connecting his body to the different machines surrounding the bed he was lying in. He had what must have been an IV going into his hand, something in his nose and a few electrodes on different locations on his chest, keeping track of his breathing and heart rate. When he shuffled a little in the bed trying to sit up better Mark was awoken and shot up out of the small chair with a jerk.

"Jack? Are you okay?" He almost screamed whilst looking around in all directions.

"Calm down Mark, no need to worry" Jack tried to reassure.

"No need to worry? You're in fucking hospital Jack! Why wouldn't I be worried?"

"I'm... I'm so sorry Mark, I didn't mean for you to get dragged into this. You can leave if you want to, I won't blame you."

"Why in the world would I ever leave you Jack, especially at a time like this?"

"Why wouldn't you?" Jack mumbled before looking away, he could feel the tears burning behind his closed eyelids, almost falling over.

"What was that? Sean answer me." Mark got persistant when the Irishman ignored his question and reached forward to put his hand on Jack's jaw.

"Why wouldn't you leave me?" Jack spoke up, louder this time. He felt like the worst person ever when Mark noticeably flinched. "Why would anyone stay with me in this situation? I'm just- nevermind." Sean trailed off.

"Because you mean so much to so many people and there are so many of us who love you." Jack wanted to disagree and tell Mark how untrue that was and how incredibly wrong he was being but he had a feeling that the red-haired man wouldn't give up so he just shrugged and looked away once again. That was when he noticed the bandages covering both of his wrists and his left upper arm, he had a feeling his thighs and stomach looked the same. Mark noticed where Sean was looking and reached out to squeeze his hand.

"After you passed out I immediately rang 999 and had them come pick you up. You weren't breathing, I was -I was so scared Jack I didn't want you to leave me." Jack could tell Mark was having a hard time keeping it together. "You had to get your stomach pumped, you'd been drinking so much I... I don't -I don't understand why would you ever..." Mark trailed off before he started properly sobbing, the sight was heartbreaking to witness, Jack couldn't stand it so he reached out for Mark's other hand and pulled the man towards him just to hold him.

"It's okay Mark" he whispered, "I'm still here, aren't I?" Mark seemed to have come to his senses and sat up once again.

"Why are you- It should be me comforting you" Mark insisted but the green-haired male just shook his head. "Don't worry about me Mark, I'm okay now. You're here with me."

"I am, and I have no plans to leave you anytime soon." Mark smiled down at the younger of the two, trying to ignore the tears streaming down both of their faces. "It's going to be okay."

Even though the mere presence of Mark was comforting to Sean, he had a feeling things still might not work out the way Mark wanted them to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading c: as always comments and kudos are greatly appreciated!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack finally tells the community what has been going on and why he's going to L.A.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter for you! this is the longest so far and I would really like to know what you guys thought of it, but for now, just enjoy reading c:

A nurse walked into the room, interrupting their conversation. After explaining what had happened and what all the different tubes did she told the pair about a few different therapists she recommended Sean to visit.

“No, there’s no need for that.” Jack interrupted her “But thank you for everything you have done.” She looked a little shocked but nodded and told them that they were allowed to leave later that day.

“Jack what the hell?” Mark asked as soon as the nurse had left the room, “Why would you say no to her? You obviously need help.”

“No I’m fine” The Irishman tried to reassure the older of the two, “I really don’t think I need it.”

“Does this look like ‘fine’ to you? You’re in a fucking hospital bed, you almost died! IS THAT FINE TO YOU?” Mark stood up and walked back and forth across the small room, running his hands through his already messy red hair, making it stand up even further.

“Please Mark, calm down” Sean whispered.

“Sorry I just- I just don’t understand, why the hell would you say no to that opportunity? You’re obviously not fine.” Mark said, gesturing to Jack body that was covered in bandages and extremely pale. “You’re dangerously underweight, you’ve harmed yourself for God knows how long and you just tried to fucking kill yourself.” Jack winced at the words.

“I’m gonna be fine, I promise.” Mark understood that no matter how long they kept up the argument, Jack wouldn’t cave in, so he just sighed and sat down in the chair to once again hold Jack’s hand and tell himself to calm down, that everything was going to work out.

When they were told later that day that they could finally leave, Mark lead Jack outside of the hospital before realizing that they didn’t have a car there, since Mark had gone with Jack in the ambulance. So, instead they decided to call a cab to get them home.  
Upon arriving at Sean’s home, they slowly made their way inside, Jack immediately rushing back to his room and ignoring Mark’s calls for the younger of the two. The half-Korean decided to let him rest but not without being checked on at least every 30 minutes, who knows what that man might be up to.

~~~~

The entirety of the week was spent in the same fashion, Mark watching over everything Jack did to make sure he ate and didn’t harm himself. In Mark’s eyes, the man was doing marvelous, but he wasn’t aware of everything going on in the house. After every meal Jack would distract his friend with a video game or such and sneak out to the bathroom, where he would leave a tap on whilst he emptied his stomach of its’ contents, hoping to God that Mark didn’t hear him, he needed to do this. It was the only part of his life that he had any sort of control over, he refused to let himself get fat.  
In the shower the morning after they had gotten back from the hospital, Jack once again picked up his blade and destroyed both of his upper arms, however, he knew he’d fucked up when Mark later that day asked to see his arms. Although, he never requested to see Jack’s thighs or stomach so the green-haired man figured that Mark was unknown to the fact that Sean’s scars were on different parts of his body. Using the sharp metal object in the shower became a routine to him, and soon his hips, thighs and stomach were once again covered in fresh cuts, whilst Mark was oblivious to the whole thing.

The next week Mark sat Jack down in the living room to talk, he didn’t notice Sean’s flinching when he took a seat on the couch and instead got straight to the point.

“As you know, PAX is in two weeks and I’m planning on going. I’m not sure if you’re going or not but I know for a fact that you’re not to be trusted while alone, so I thought that the best solution would be for you to come back to L.A with me.” Mark stated. “I’ve looked at plane tickets and there’s one leaving in two days, what do you think?”

“I- I don’t know Mark, it’s been wonderful having you here but you don’t need to do that, I don’t want to be a burden.” Inside I was screaming at myself, why would you say no? You’ll never get an opportunity like this again! He’s only saying it to be polite, he doesn’t want me there, of course he doesn’t, why would he?

“You could never in a million years be a burden Sean, you’re one of my best friends.”The words made Jacks heart hurt, ‘one of his best friends’.

Of course you’re not more than that, why would you be

Why would he ever love you like you love him?

“I think I’ll just stay here, I’m better now.” Was the response Mark got.

“Like hell you are, if you were alone you wouldn’t be eating at all and I don’t even know if you’d be alive, you’re not staying here by yourself.” Mark stood up, gesturing with his hands, “Either you come with me to L.A or I’m staying here.”  
Knowing how much Mark loved meeting his fans and how badly he wanted to go to PAX the Irishman finally agreed to go to L.A with him.

When they were packing Jack realized that he didn’t actually have that much to bring, he was going to leave all his recording stuff behind so the only things he brought with him were clothes and toiletries, that and of course, his blades, he couldn’t go without them.Deciding he should let his fans know that he was planning on going to L.A for an unknown amount of time he figured he should do a vlog and let tell everyone what’s happening.

Sitting down at his desk he got his camera and microphone ready and started the video with his usual high five and  
“Top of the morning to ye, laddies!” his voice breaking immediately since he hadn’t used it for screaming in so long. “Oh, seems like I’ve got badgers in my throat again” he laughed.  
“My name is Jacksepticeye and before you all freak out, I’m fine, you can all calm down, there’s no need to worry about me. I know I haven’t uploaded in a while and that I never gave you a proper explanation for why I didn’t, and for that, I am truly sorry, but now I am back with a proper explanation. Unfortunately, I won’t be getting back to uploading just yet and why that is I will get back to in just a minute, for now though, I think that it would be appropriate of me to tell you all what has been going on since you last saw me and why I’ve been gone from the internet these past few weeks.” Sean took a short break so he could take a deep breath before he continued. 

“To be honest, all the videos I uploaded before I disappeared were videos I had recorded a while ago when I was preparing for the upcoming PAX, I just couldn’t muster the strength to actually record new videos to upload for you guys, I just couldn’t. Don’t get me wrong here, I still love youtube and I still want to provide content for all of you, it’s just that I’ve been feeling pretty down lately and when I sometimes barely even got out of bed in the morning I just wasn’t able to make my usual happy and energetic videos. Partly because I didn’t want you guys to worry about me and partly because I just couldn’t bother sitting down and make a Let’s Play. Jack sighed and ran his hand through his green hair, this was going to be a hard vlog to record.

“I’m not gonna lie, I’ve been struggling with depression for a while now, I’m not sure how long it’s been, I just know that it’s been quite a while, and it’s been getting worse for the past few months. I’ve also been self-harming by cu…" The Irishman felt his voice break as tears flooded his eyes. ‘No, I’m gonna get through this’ he thought. ‘I’m gonna make it.’  
“I’m not gonna go into details as I don’t think it’s necessary and since I don’t think I would be able to, but I will try to explain to you as much as I can.” Looking around his room trying to find something to give him the courage to continue his eyes reached the bookshelf with fan made stuff he had gotten at conventions, smiling, he looked back at the camera and took a deep breath before continuing the vlog.

“The first day I didn’t upload was because I had been out all day and when I got back I- I tried committing…” He once again breathed in and out slowly to calm himself. “I tried committing suicide” He was finally able to get it out. “Obviously, I didn’t succeed but that was only because Mark came to Ireland and found me right before I passed out. He called an ambulance and followed me to the hospital and it’s thanks to him that I am alive now.” By this point, Sean was properly crying, tears streaming down his face in a steady stream. “I am going to follow him to L.A and live with him for a while since he doesn’t trust me to be alone right now. Which, he’s probably right in doing.” Jack let out a weak laugh. “And I’m not bringing my setup with me so that is why I won’t be recording more videos fore you yet, for now, I’m just gonna focus on getting better. I might go to a psychologist and get help from a professional since I think that is needed but I’m not sure yet. This whole thing still scares me and I don’t want to rush things and end up back where I started again.”

Jack continued talking about how if you’re dealing with similar stuff, or any problems at all, it is important to reach out and search for help, otherwise you might end up doing what he did but actually succeeding. He finished the video by telling the viewers that he’d leave a few links in the description below to suicide hotlines and such so that if they ever felt like they needed help they had somewhere to go to. “That’s all for this video, once again, I’m sorry for disappearing and making everyone worry, that was never my intention, and I hope that you will forgive me.” Deciding to skip his usual outro he just said his byes before turning off the camera.  
That was when he heard a knock at his door. “You can come in, Mark.”

Mark slowly opened the door and walked up to the green-haired man, hugging him. “I’m so proud of you, Sean.” Then he just proceeded to hold Jack while cried into Mark’s shoulder.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading, as always kudos and comments are greatly appreciated, they make my day. Please let me know what you thought of it and have a great day <3


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack finally moves in with Mark but was it the right thing do to, can he actually be happy there?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about how long it took to update this fic, school started again and has been fucking me over so updates won't be as frequent for a while. But during the hollidays I'm gonna write loads of stock chapters so I can update at least once a week, hopefully even more often than that. Anyways, enjoy the chapter c:

A week after living with Mark, and Jack was worse than ever before. But the problem wasn’t Mark, it was having to constantly lie and hide his feelings, it made Jack feel guilty, yet he couldn’t stop. After almost every meal, which Mark had to force him to eat whilst constantly watching over him, he said he was gonna take a shower and when he was sure that the red-haired man couldn’t hear more than the water hitting the tiles Sean emptied his stomach’s contents into the toilet bowl and flushed everything down to forget about. Bringing a blade to the shower also became a habit, even if nothing had happened to make him crave the feeling of relief it gave him, he just had to. It had become an addiction, he couldn’t go without it.

But when Sean still was underweight and even more pale than usual after a week of eating at least three proper meals each day, the half-Korean knew that Jack was hiding something from him, so he made up a plan. He was going to tell Jack that he was leaving the house for a walk but then come back to see what Sean was up to, he both hoped that he would find something out and hoped that everything would be completely normal, that he was imagining everything.

Sean was suspecting this though and still locked the door and let the shower run before he purged, and just in case Mark was back already he took a quick shower, but not without the use of his blade. Wanting to make sure that the older man wouldn’t find out about what he was still doing, he kept it as secret as possible. He got dressed and carried the blade in his pocket back to his room so no one could see it, even if he was supposed to be alone, better be safe than sorry. And it turns out that he had made the right choice when he saw Mark sitting in the living room, on his phone but still seeming very aware of his surroundings, almost as if he was waiting for something, or perhaps someone.

“Back already?” 

“Yeah, I realized I had stuff to do.” Mark struggled to come up with an excuse.

“And I suppose that’s why you’re on your phone?” Jack teased.

“Don’t sass me mister, otherwise I might poison your food.” Mark replied sarcastically.

“Oh, what a shame that would be.” The Irishman tried to joke but instantly regretted it when he saw the horrified look on Mark’s face. “Sorry Mark I- I didn’t mean it like that.”

“Sure you didn’t.” Well fuck, this was bad, very bad.

“Mark I…”

“No Jack, don’t make any excuses, don’t you think that I’ve realized that you’re hiding something from me? That you’re still not gaining weight and that you seam just as unhappy as before? I don’t know what to do, I just want you to be happy!” Mark was practically screaming at the end of his rant, gesturing wildly with his hands as he got out of the armchair and started walking back and forth in the room. “I just want to be able to help you, but you’re not letting me.” Mark finally stopped in front of Jack, not even bothering to try and hide the tears welling up in his eyes.

At this point Sean broke down, he couldn’t stand knowing that because of him, someone he loved was hurting. He fell to the floor in tears and hid his face in his hands, almost as if he was ashamed.  
Mark panicked, had he been too harsh? “Sean I- I didn’t mean to…”

“I know you didn’t, don’t be sorry Mark. This is all my fault.” Jack interrupted him “I’m just gonna go to my room for a bit.”

“Don’t you dare.” The Irishman was startled by the power behind the other man’s words. “I don’t even want to think about what you might do if you’re alone while feeling like this, you’re staying with me. End of discussion. 

“Mark, really, there’s no need for that, I’m just gonna nap for a bit. I’m really tired. 

“Like hell you are, why won’t you just let me help you!?” 

“I DON’T NEED TO BE HELPED, I’M FUCKING FINE, CAN’T YOU SEE!?” Sean broke down crying once again, curling up on the floor as Mark sat down next to him, embracing him.

“It’s gonna be okay Sean, I’m sorry I pushed you” the half-Korean whispered as he threaded his fingers through Jack’s green hair, trying to soothe him. Still feeling guilty for making the younger of the pair cry, he felt the need to make it up to him. “Let’s get you back in bed and I’ll stay with you until you fall asleep okay?”

A single nod was the only response Mark got but as he went to stand up he could hear Jack’s stomach rumbling, as it had been emptied not long before.

“And I’ll bring you some food as well, sounds good?”  
Jack immediately went rigid, all color draining from his face. He glanced up at Mark’s worried complexion and tried to hide his inner panic.

“O-okay” he whispered, but he promised himself that he wouldn’t eat more than absolutely necessary, since he knew that Mark definitely wouldn’t let him go to the bathroom afterwards, not even if it was to take a piss. He was gonna have to wait for hours, and then it’d be too late. The calories would already have been addded.

As the younger man made his way upstairs to the guest bedroom he could hear the American preparing a meal for him in the kitchen. Mere seconds after he had changed into pajama pants and a comfortable oversized t-shirt and climbed into the bed, he let his head hit the soft pillow and was immediately asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! As always, comments and kudos are greatly appreciated, they make my day. constructive critisism is always welcome as well, take care <3


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mark notices something is up with Jack but doesn't know how to help him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter for you, I hope you enjoy!

Jack awoke to the sound of Marks deep voice in his ear and the feeling of something heavy next to him on the soft bed. Still tired after his short nap he decided to ignore it and try to go back to sleep, that was until he heard

“Sean, you promised me you would eat something, I’m worried about you, you need to put on some weight, badly.”  
When the Irishman slowly pried his eyes open to the sight of Mark he was shocked to see that the other had tears in his eyes.

“Good, you’re awake” Mark smiled as he handed the Ireland-born a bowl of soup and dried his eyes with the back of his unoccupied hand. As Jack reluctantly received the food he couldn’t help but let out a relieved sigh at the sight of it, soup wasn’t that bad.

“Why were you- “

“Don’t worry about it” Mark cut him off, “It was nothing.”  
Sean nodded but still didn’t really believe Mark, deciding not to push it he slowly got some of the food in the spoon and began moving it to his mouth.

Don’t you dare, you can’t eat that

You’ll get fat, nobody loves fat ugly people

Mark won’t ever love you if you let yourself get fat

You can’t lose control now, then you’ll never get thin

Lowering the spoon again Sean looked over at the read-haired man with pleading eyes.

“I appreciate that you made me food but I’m really not hungry, I’ll eat it later.” Jack tried to hand the bowl back to Mark but the older refused to take it, instead he wrapped his fingers around the smaller man’s hand to once again move the spoon to Jack’s mouth and ask him with a soft voice

“Sean, please, can’t you just eat a little? For me?”  
Knowing he couldn’t say no to Mark when he asked like this Sean involuntarily opened his mouth and let the half-Korean delicately place the spoon between his lips, with eyes scrunched shut and a quick swallow the soup soon disappeared down the younger man’s throat, after which he quickly turned his head away from the concerned gazes he got from the other man. He could already feel himself getting fatter.

Needing a distraction from the mess in his head and from Mark repeatedly asking if he was okay, and what was wrong, he curled both of his hands into fists, letting his nails dig into his palm, slowly being able to ignore the negative thoughts whirling around his brain by focusing on the pain.  
As Mark fingers slowly picked up the Irishman’s hands and forced them to uncurl, Jack was ripped from his thoughts. Even though Mark spoke in a soft smooth voice it still managed to startle Sean.

“Another one?” The green-haired man slowly nodded once again and let Mark put the spoonful of soup in his mouth. This continued for what felt like hours to Jack and when half of the bowl’s contents was gone he asked if they could stop.

“Please, I can’t eat anymore.” Sighing, Mark agreed but only with the promise of eating more later that same day.  
Still feeling exhausted Sean decided to go back to sleep, which was made much easier by the fact that for once, he wasn’t alone. Deciding to be a bit risky he rolled over to snuggle up to the other man with his head resting on Mark’s chest and legs tangled together, if he was rejected he could always just say that he was asleep and didn’t mean to, but to his surprise the red-haired just wrapped his toned arms around Jack’s small waist and pulled him closer, lulling him to sleep by whispering quite promises in his ear.  
  
~~~~  
  
The third time Jack woke up that day he was once again alone, looking over at the alarm clock standing at the bedside table the glowing numbers told him that it was already late afternoon, deciding to get at least something done that day Sean went to record a video, settling on a ‘Reading Your Comments’ one. But as he went to look for comments to respond to all the ones he found were people commenting on his weight and asking how he was dealing with his depression, which, he could understand, but he was definitely not in the right mindset to read such comments right now. Sighing he stood up from the chair he was sitting in and went off to look for Mark, remembering the other man’s demands that he’d come to him if he ever felt down.  
Finding Mark downstairs in his recording room Sean decided not to bother him and interrupt him in his work, but as he started to walk back up the stairs again he felt a hand on his shoulder urging him to turn around.

“Hey Jack, what’s up?” Mark asked softly.

“I just woke up and wondered where you were, but I didn’t want to disturb you” Jack replied in his unusually quiet voice.

“No need to worry, I was actually waiting for you!” Mark beamed down at the younger man, “I was gonna ask what you wanted for dinner, Bob and Wade are coming to L.A for a few days and they wondered if we wanted to meet up at a restaurant?”  
Jack knew he couldn’t say no to seeing some of his best friends for the first time in months, especially not when they had been worried for him, but he also knew that if he was going to go eat at a restaurant he first needed to check what dishes they served and how many calories were in each.

“Sure” was his reply, “When and where are we going?”

“I’m not sure yet, the plans were to meet up in town and see if we could find somewhere nice.”  
Well fuck, this made things difficult.

“Anywhere you have in mind?” Jack asked in a final attempt to find a solution to his problem.

“No not really, we’ll just see what we find.”  
  
~~~~  
  
An hour later they leave the house to meet up with Bob and Wade who both hug Jack instantly when they see him. When Sean is wrapped in Wade’s arms he can hear him silently telling him

“We saw your vlog, and I just wanted to tell you that we’re here for you, always. We love you, you’re one of our best friends ever.”  
The Irishman was almost brought to tears by the other man’s kind words and looked up at him whispering a silent “Thank you.”  
  
~~~~  
  
As they went to sit down in a restaurant they found about fifteen minutes after walking around town, Jack both feeled relieved and anxious, the short walk had been extremely exhausting to the skinny man and he’d feel like he was about to pass out almost constantly the past five minutes. Mark had of course picked up on this and steered the group towards the first restaurant they encountered. However, when Jack looked at the menu he could feel panic start to rise inside of him.  
Finally deciding on a simple salad without any dressing or meat he looked up to see the worried looks of his friends.

“That’s rabbit food Jack, you’re not gonna eat anything else?” Bob looked really concerned.

“No, I ate not too long ago and I’m just not hungry at the moment.”

Nodding, Bob decided to leave it at that and Sean was incredibly thankful that he hadn’t brought up his “eating disorders” in the last video he made before leaving Ireland.

You’re too fat to have an eating disorder

Shuddering Jack quickly changed the subject to the upcoming gaming event and successfully steered the conversation topic away from himself. His plans to lose weight were damned if he let anybody else find out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, as always kodus and comments are greatly appreciated, please let me know what you thought of this chapter and don't ever hesitate contacting me, my tumblr is the same as my name here c:


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the feedback on the last chapter, comments really make my day. And this has over 60 kudos now, holy shit, that's awesome. Thank you so much <3

When the food was brought to them Jack started to panic, why were the servings so damn big? There was no way in hell that he would be able to get all that down. There was no way in hell that he would allow himself to eat all that. As Mark got his pizza and Bob and Wade got their burgers and ribs they started to eat instantly, and at first nobody noticed that the Irishman was simply pushing his food around on the plate, but soon enough Mark saw what was going on. He leaned over and whispered in Sean’s ear.  
“You promised me you’d eat, please just take a little. For me”

Jack started picking out pieces of lettuce and different vegetables to force them down his throat whilst constantly being watched by his red-haired friend. When he ate, he kept counting the calories and by the time he had reached forty he put the fork down to take a large gulp of water. At this point the conversation about PAX had died down and he was once again asked by the two friends visiting how he was doing.

Shrugging, he answered their questions “Not too bad, Mark helps a lot though. It’s good not being alone.” Smiling, Mark reached for Jack’s hand and squeezed it softly but firmly, almost in a loving way. Jack gathered enough strength to smile back at the beautiful man sitting beside him.

Wade made fake vomiting-noises and Bob told them to get a room, it was all done in a humorous fashion but if Sean could have blushed he’d be red as a tomato at that very moment.

Jack was surprised to realize that he was actually having a good time, but as he went to look down at his plate again he immediately started feeling sick. Not wanting the others to notice his inner panic he once again balled his hands into fists and let his nails dig into his palms. As it had been a few days since he’d cut them he actually managed to draw blood, that was when he excused himself to go to the bathroom. Hiding his hands in his hoodie pockets he quickly made his way over to the public restroom and began washing the blood away. But before he was even halfway done he could hear footsteps and Mark’s deep voice behind him.

“What happened? What did you do?” the half-Korean instantly wanted to know upon seeing the blood-stained skin of his friend standing in front of the mirror, looking as small and vulnerable as ever.  
Trying to hide what had already been seen, Jack quickly continued washing his hands and then dried them off, turning around to leave the restroom but was stopped by Mark.

“Sean, talk to me.” Mark demanded, “I know something is up, can you tell me what it is?”

Shaking his head Jack answered with a quiet “Not now, not here” and tried once again to leave the bathroom. He was stopped by Mark this time as well.

“When we’re home we are going to talk, promise me that.” “mkay...” Jack replied while looking away. “Sean, promise me” Mark repeated, more sternly this time.

“Okay, I promise” the Irishman sighed defeatedly, knowing he was going to lose this discussion before even starting it.

“Are you good to go back out?” Mark asked worriedly, not wanting to push his friend.

“Yeah, just let me compose myself for a moment, I need to calm down.” Not knowing what other way to help his hurting friend 

Mark wrapped his arms around the smaller man and embraced him for what felt like hours, until Jack’s breathing had evened out. Meanwhile, the Irishman marveled in the touch of the man he had come to love over the past year, especially this last month. Everything Mark had done for him was just so beautiful and touching; Jack couldn’t help but feel loved. For the first time in way too long.

However, the hug couldn’t last forever, finally wiping his eyes Jack stepped away from the older man and nodded when he was asked if he was okay to go out. When they arrived at the table both Bob and Wade looked sick with worry, Sean had a feeling this conversation wouldn’t be too pleasant. 

“What happened? Are you okay?” Wade almost shouted as he and Bob were joined at the table. “We were so worried” Bob filled in.

“Yeah, I’m fine, I’m just feeling a bit ill” Jack replied, which wasn’t a total lie, “But no need for you to worry, there’s nothing wrong with me.” He could feel Mark’s stern looks at the back of his head but chose to ignore them. Sitting down at the table the Irishman tried to steer away the conversation topic once again and asked the two visiting men how their wife and fiancé were doing, however, this didn’t go unnoticed by Mark who had been paying extra close attention to his friend.  
When Mark realized Sean wasn’t going to eat anymore he leaned over, much like he’d done before, and asked the pale man to eat, but the only response he got was a shake of the head.

“Sean come on, you have to.” Mark tried to persuade him but Jack only looked away, trying to ignore the half-Korean, this exchange looked very weird to Bob and Wade who looked confusedly at the two other men, asking them what was up. 

“Sean has been having a bit of a problem with his food lately” Mark quietly explained to the two visitors who at first looked even more confused, but when the realization hit them, they both paled and looked over to the man in question who only nodded before turning away, once again.

“Can we go home?” Jack weakly looked up at the read-headed man who gave him a silent nod and a sad smile in response.

After saying goodbye to the two Americans visiting, the youtubers made their way back home in silence, Mark had wanted to take his car but Jack had insisted they took a walk to meet their friends, so another walk was their only way of getting home; except for taking a cab, to which Sean for some reason refused. Upon getting inside the green-haired man immediately ran to his room to collect the sharp little piece of metal and hurry to the shower, but was stopped by Mark’s muscular frame who had been right behind him. Since he had been so rushed he had forgotten about pocketing his blade and was instead holding it in his hand, for the world to see. Knowing he couldn’t hide it from Mark anymore Jack dropped the blade to the floor and fell into the strong arms of the tanned man who held him while he cried.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would really like to know what you think of the pacing of the story so far, I don't want to spoil anything but big things are happening in the next chapter! As always, thanks for reading, comments and kudos are always greatly appreciated C:


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things are happening, holy shit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so so much for the feedback on this work, I honsetly never expected it. We hit over a thousand hits a while ago (!!!) and that's just crazy, I'm not happy about it because I just want to be know, it just makes me understand and realize that you actually like what I write and I love that. Anyways, enough rambling, here's the next chapter!

Mark was lost, what was he supposed to do? How could he help his hurting friend? At a loss for what to do he gave in to his instincts and did something he had wanted to do for a long time; he leaned in and kissed Sean. At first the other man was shocked and went rigid, but as soon as Mark was about to pull away and apologize he felt soft lips shyly press back against his own. Not wanting to startle or scare Jack, the half-Korean slowly reached his hands up, one to be situated at the back of the Irishman’s neck and the other to softly thread its fingers through the messy green hair atop of Sean’s head.

As the kiss grew more heated, open mouths panting into each other, Mark had to stop himself from ravishing the younger man right then and there. Slowly parting from the kiss and stepping out of Jack’s embrace, the read-haired man walked backwards, creating space between them. Sean however, didn’t look too happy about this.

“I know we probably have to talk about this and everything but I really just want to continue kissing you for now.” The Irishman looked shocked at this statement, almost as if he didn’t believe Mark, but nodded anyways, moving towards the red-haired man with his arms stretched out. He was so adorable Mark couldn’t help but let out a soft chuckle. Sean looked confused at this and stopped moving, with furrowed brows and close to a pout he looked up at his friend as if to ask what was going on. It almost looked like he thought that Mark didn’t want to actually kiss him, that this had all been a joke, this broke Mark’s heart so smiling he moved back to the Irishman and wrapped him in his arms.

“Sorry, you just looked so adorable I couldn’t help it” Mark smiled at the younger man. Jack still didn’t look quite convinced but he shrugged anyways and hugged the taller man back.  
With one hand moving to rest under Sean’s chin the half-Korean tilted the smaller man’s head up to lock their eyes, Jack was blushing and it was just the cutest thing ever to Mark.

“If you want me to stop just tell me so, okay?” Mark was surprised to hear that Jack laughed at this. Now it was his turn to furrow his brows and look at the other for an explanation.

“Why would I ever want you to stop?” Upon hearing this, Mark smiled and closed the small space between their faces to press his lips against the cute green-haired man who immediately wrapped his arms around Mark’s muscular shoulder and pulled him closer.

Upon feeling Mark’s warm fingers slip under the hem of his shirt Jack shuddered and held Mark even tighter, letting out a small moan. The older man smiled at this and decided to tease the Irishman even more, he let one of his hands slide up to Jack’s upper back and moved the other one to linger on the small of his back, pulling him impossibly closer. He didn’t even have to fight for dominance in the kiss, Sean easily gave it to him, and Mark loved it.

Jack’s head was spinning, what was going on? Was Mark – the man that he had been crushing on for so long – actually kissing him? It couldn’t be, what had he ever done to deserve this? Not ever wanting to let go, Sean lifted his left leg and hooked it behind the red-haired man’s knee, almost as if to make sure he couldn’t get away. However, as he did this he felt a strong hand placing a firm grip on the back of Jack’s thigh and pulled it up over his hip, kind of like Mark was aware of his worries and was trying to reassure him that he wouldn’t leave. Knowing what Mark wanted him to do, the smaller of the pair lifted his right leg too and let Mark lift him up completely. Jack gave out a small yelp as he felt himself being turned around and held against a wall. He had never been man-handled like this before, but he absolutely loved it.

As Sean felt himself grow hard he reluctantly pulled away from Mark and rested his forehead against the other man’s “As much as I love this I don’t think I’m ready to go any further yet” Jack whispered, sounding embarrassed.

“That’s totally fine Sean, I understand” Mark told him in his deep baritone voice that always managed to make the green-haired man shiver. “Do you just want to cuddle or something?”

“That sound lovely” Jack smiled up at Mark and let him carry him to the bedroom.

Truth be told, Sean wasn’t ready yet, but that wasn’t the only reason he had said no. He was too embarrassed about his body to actually let anybody else see it, especially Mark, since he knew how good that man looked. And since he’d never stopped cutting – which the other man still didn’t know about – he had absolutely no plans on being naked with Mark.

Thoughts like this are what occupied Sean’s mind as he laid in bed with his, friend? Lover? Boyfriend? He had honestly no idea. And after a while Mark noticed the Irishman’s constant fidgeting and asked him what was up.

“N-Nothing”

“Sean”

“Yeah…?”

“We both know that’s not true.”

Sighing, Jack gave up the fight and decided to tell Mark what was on his mind, some of it at least.

“I just don’t understand why you’d ever pick me, of all amazing people out there who love you, why me?”

Smiling, the older man pulled Sean into his chest and held him close. “Out of all the amazing people out there, you’re the most amazing one.”

“I highly doubt that but I appreciate it” Jack’s timid answer tugged painfully at Mark’s heart.

“I wish you could see it” he said.

“See what?” The green-haired man looked confused.

“How amazing you are, how completely and utterly amazing I, and millions of people, think you are, know you are. You’re one of the kindest and most selfless human being I’ve ever met, you have done so much for so many people. You are beautiful in every way possible and I wish you could see yourself the way I see you, Because I love you and you deserve to be loved by everyone.” During Mark’s little speech Jack had felt tears well up in his eyes, causing him to unwillingly turn away from the beautiful man laying besides him and hiding in face in Mark’s shoulder.

“I just don’t see it” he whispered, “I wish I could believe you but I just – I just can’t, I don’t understand it”

Tilting Sean’s head to lock their eyes together, Mark kissed him and told him

“I will continue telling you this every day, until you believe me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading, please tell me what you thought of it. As always, kudos and comments are greatly appreciated and I would love to hear from you guys.
> 
> (My tumblr is the same as here, come talk to me if you want to)


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 115 kudos, 10 bookmarks and 1336 (so close I know)hits!? omg thank you, I honestly have no idea how that happened but I'm grateful either way, so here's another chapter for you c:

Waking up from what was probably the best sleep he had ever had Jack noticed the bed was empty, and he panicked.

‘Had everything been a dream?’

No, then Mark’s shirt wouldn’t lay on the floor next to the bed.

'Had Mark realized how wrong he’d been, saying he’d wanted Jack? Sean would never ever be enough for the older man.’

Deciding that the latter was probably true, Sean felt tears start to slowly fall down his cheeks and he stood up to retrieve his blade from its hiding place, in the bag he’d brought to America. Hearing footsteps come up the stairs Jack desperately tried to hide the little sharp metal object but he was too slow, Mark had already entered the room.

“Jack, what’s -what’s wrong?” falling to his knees behind the crying man he wrapped his arms around him and wrestled the blade out of the Irishman’s firm grip.

“I thought you’d left me” Sean sobbed, “I woke up to an empty bed and I thought you’d realized how much of a disappointment I was and that you’d never be happy with me, that you shouldn’t bother.” The words broke the half-Korean’s heart and he pulled the smaller man into his chest, rocking him back and forth.

“That won’t ever happen, I love you Sean, and I wouldn’t ever dream of leaving you”

Against his better judgement, Jack told himself to believe the other man’s soothing words, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. Instead he opted on simply leaning back, enjoying the embrace between the two men and pretending like he didn’t have a single worry in his life, that he and Mark could be happy together, but he knew that would never be true.

“Where were you anyway?” The Irishman finally asked.

“Oh yeah, I almost forgot. I was making breakfast” Mark smiled down at the younger man.

Fuck this was bad, wait a minute, breakfast? Hadn’t they gotten home around noon the other day?

“Did I sleep all night?” “You sure did” It seemed almost as if the red-haired man couldn’t contain his worried expression, although he tried covering it with a soft smile.

“Oh”

Laughing at the response he got Mark stood up and made his way to the door, picking up a tray of food standing at the floor that he had apparently brought up with him a few minutes ago.

“You have to eat quick, or it’ll get cold.”

“Do I have to?”

“Yes, you do, you barely had anything to eat at the restaurant and that was yesterday, you need to eat.”

Sighing, Jack looked down and prepared himself for what was coming. The tray was piled with all sorts of food, eggs and bacon, coffee, pancakes, toast and some yoghurt.

“There’s no way in hell that I’m going to be able to eat all that.”

“Just eat some of it then, for me.”

Don’t you dare, don’t lose control now

If you keep eating like this you’ll never be good enough for him, he won’t want you

Jack desperately wanted to do everything Mark ever asked him to do, but this, he just couldn’t.

“I -I can’t, I’m sorry Mark.” The look on the smaller man’s face absolutely broke Mark’s heart, how could someone so beautiful think so badly of themselves?

“Sean please, just a little?” But the only response he was given was a shake of the head as the green-haired man broke free and turned away from the half-Korean.

As the negative thoughts he had grown so used to continued attacking his mind, Sean felt himself slowly beginning to panic, his breathing became ragged and he unconsciously curled up into fetal position. Mark noticed the change in Jack’s behavior and tried to calm him down by letting his arms encircle his waist, but it had no effect, the only thing it did was startle the hyperventilating man and caused him to move away from the faux redhead.

Don’t let him get too close, he’ll feel your fat

He’s going to hate you

You won’t ever be happy together, he’s going to kick you out

How could you ever be so naïve that you would actually believe that you would ever be loved, by Him?

‘But Mark wouldn’t lie’ Sean tried to reason with the thoughts invading his mind.

To you he would

No one cares about telling you the truth, why would they. You’re not worth wasting their time on

Jack could feel himself getting light-headed due to the lack of proper breathing and he found himself longing for Mark’s touch, when had he become so dependent of the other man?

Gathering what little strength he had left, he uncurled and reached his arms out to where he thought the older man was sitting (which was the opposite way). Realizing he was needed, Mark carefully mad his way over to and around the other man and wrapped him in his muscular arms, holding him close and whispering sweet terms of endearment and promises of things being   
okay in Sean’s ear.

A few moments later Mark managed to calm his friend down to the point where he could breathe on his own again, but he enjoyed having the smaller body in his arms, and he had a feeling Jack liked being held by them, so he didn’t let go of the younger man’s body.

Mark’s mind was torn, everything had been so great when they got home yesterday, why wasn’t it now? Trying to further comfort his crying friend he slipped his fingers under the hem of Jack’s shirt and started stroking the skin lightly, however, it had the opposite effect than what Mark had opted for. The smaller man jumped away from the others touch and immediately pulled down his shirt to cover what had been discovered. But the angry red lines had already etched themselves into Mark’s brain and now he couldn’t possibly forget them.

“Wh… For how long?” he finally settled on after struggling with his word for a few moments.

“It never stopped” The quiet reply was barely audible.

Cursing himself for not noticing sooner and for not being enough for the man who was in desperate need of help, Mark made his way over to the Irishman slowly, as not to scare him again, and looked up at him, asking for permission to once again pull him into a firm loving embrace. Not doing anything other than nodding slightly Jack rested his head on the half-Korean’s chest and let 

Mark rock him back to sleep.

However, this didn’t help the red-haired man’s worries for his friend; why was he so tired all the time? Why had he gone behind Mark’s back and why the fuck hadn’t Mark noticed the scars and cuts the night before? When he had fucking touched Sean’s stomach. Needless to say, he was mad at himself, the irrational part of his brain telling him that it was his fault Jack was still doing this, drowning out the other thoughts about him not being in fault.

Shuddering at the thought of Sean having more of these marks on different parts of his body Mark promised himself of never letting things go this far again, he had to save his friend. No matter what it took.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading, as always kudos are greatly appreciated and comments always make my day   
> Take care and I'll see you in the next chapter <3


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the delay, I've been with my family over the holidays so that's why I've haven't updated but thank you SO MUCH for the feedback on this fic, it really means a lot.  
> Anyways, here's the next chapter, enjoy!

As Jack slept in his arms, Mark did some thinking; Sean was in desperate need of help, what could the half-Korean do to help him? Would taking him to the hospital be good? He knew that Jack absolutely didn’t want to go there but it was for his own best, would Mark have to force him?

Deciding to talk to Sean about his plans when he woke up, Mark lifted the sleeping man up in his arms and carried him towards the bad, placing him under the blankets and tucking him in. He then moved back to the tray of food on the floor and brought it downstairs to put in the fridge.  
When he got back to his bedroom he saw Jack curled up hugging one of Mark’s pillows, the older man smiled at this and decided to join the Irishman in bed. Shrugging off his shirt, the redhead slid under the covers next to the smaller man’s form and held him in his arms, content just watching him sleep – he looked so peaceful. Mark didn’t have it in him to disrupt his sleep so he just held Jack closer, engulfing him in his warmth. Soon the half-Korean felt himself being lulled to sleep by the younger man’s soft, steady breathing.

However, his sleep was short lived, he was startled from his rest by a weight moving on the bed next to him. Smiling Mark pried his eyes open and looked over at Sean, but the sight that met him wasn’t a pleasant one. Instantly panicking the read-haired man got up and walked around the bed to kneel in front of the crying, dry-heaving man. He was bent over his knees with streams of tears on his face and his mouth open, letting out wrecked sobs. Jack’s whole body was shaking by the pure force of his crying and Mark had no idea what had happened.

As he reached forward to place his hand on the Irishman’s shoulder the other man jumped backwards away from Mark and his crying increased. When Sean’s breathing became hectic the red-haired man knew that he was having a panic attack but there was nothing he could do to help him calm down. Mark desperately tried talking to the panicking man but it was clear that nothing he said was working in his favor, rather it seemed like every sound scared Jack even more and chased him further into his panicking.  
Not too long after the green-haired man passed out and Mark immediately got up to shrug a shirt on so he could take the man to the hospital. He carried the fainted man downstairs to his car and broke several speed limits on his way to his destination.

Upon parking outside the emergency department Mark sprung out of his car and lifted the still unconscious man to carry him inside, screaming at all the nurses until someone came with a hospital bed that he could lay Sean on. He watched as they rolled him down into a long hallway and sat down in a plastic chair in the waiting room, preparing for a long anxious wait.

It wasn’t until he saw the dark, wet spots on his denim clad thighs that he realized he had been crying, and since he hadn’t noticed ever starting he figured it had been going on for a while. Wiping his eyes Mark sat up straighter in his chair and looked up at the clock, he felt like he had been there for hours, yet it had only been for about fifteen minutes.

Deciding to do something useful and try to distract himself for a little Mark picked up his phone a gave out a relieved sigh upon noticing that he had 73 percent battery left. He sent out a skype message to Bob and Wade in their group chat telling them what had happened and asking them if they could come over for a while.

B: Of course! We’re on our way, we’ll get a cab or something.

W: Anything you want us to bring??

M: Something for Jack to wear, sweatpants or something and toothbrushes would be nice and a phone charger. Thank you so  
much, please hurry.

B: Don’t worry about it, we’re coming.

As Mark waited for his two friends to arrive he scrolled through twitter, but the only tweets the half-Korean could see were people asking if Jack was okay, and he couldn’t answer those because he honestly did not know. He tried to get some sleep but found out that it was useless, he was way too worried about Sean and every ten minutes Mark would go up to the reception asking I there were any news.

This carried on for over an hour, it wasn’t until Wade and Bob showed up and practically pulled Mark down into a chair to stop his pacing that the red-haired man could finally be still.

“Have you heard anything yet?” Bob asked worriedly.

“Nothing” Mark shook his head, “I’ve got no idea what’s happening.”

Just as Wade opens his mouth to say something a nurse walks into the room calling out

“Any visitors for Sean McLoughlin?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading, as always kudos and comments are greatly appreciated, they make my day C: and feel free to reach out if you ever need help or just want someone to talk to <3
> 
>  
> 
> (my tumblr is the same a my username here :))


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, thank you soo much for all of the comments, they really make my day!

Mark slowly stepped into the hospital room he had been led to by the young nurse, holding his breath he looked over to the bed where he could see a pale and seemingly lifeless body lie. If he thought that he had been scared before, that was nothing compared to this, he could’ve sworn his heart stopped beating and he barely got the words past his trembling lips.

“Is he- Is he de…” he trailed off

The nurse gave him a troubled smile and shook his head, “No he’s not, he is severely underweight though, and since he hasn’t been eating properly his organs were on the verge of shutting down, you brought him in just in time.”

The half-Korean didn’t know whether to feel relieved or fearful about this new information, on one hand he was extremely thankful that Sean wasn’t dead, but on the other hand what the nurse had told him meant that he was still in danger, and that it had been far worse than what Mark had hoped.

“When is he going to wake up?”

“Probably in about fifteen minutes, you can stay here until then if you want to, I think that it’d be good for him to have a familiar face here when he’s awake. If anything happens just press the red button over there” she pointed to a red button labeled ‘emergency’ by Sean’s bed and when the visiting male nodded at her she proceeded to leave the room, shooting him an apologetic smile.

When the red-haired man sat down in the plastic chair on the right side of the hospital bed he got an all too familiar feeling, in fact, this wasn’t the first time he had been sitting next to a hospital bed with Jack in it, hoping and praying that he would be fine. Mark took the Irishman’s right hand and clutched it in both of his, running his thumb over Sean’s knuckles.

As time went by Mark grew more and more worried, it had already been 17 minutes, why wasn’t he waking up? However, just as he was about to reach forward and press then emergency button he could hear a tiny noise come from the previously unconscious man and felt a slight movement on the bed.

“Sean? Can you hear me?” Mark could tell that his friend was struggling to wake up and decided to try to help him by carding his fingers through Jack’s messy green locks.  
The Ireland-born slowly pried his eyes open and let his gaze search around in the bland room.

“Mark?”

“I’m here, it’s okay.” The half-Korean could tell that Sean relaxed just by hearing his soothing voice and turned Jack’s head towards his own. “How are you feeling?”

“Like shite” was the green-haired man’s answer. 

“Yeah, I’m not very surprised by that” Mark gave out a weak chuckle. “Bob and Wade are here, they’d like to meet you, but not until you’re ready, of course. The older man smiled.

“That’d be nice, not yet though. I think that I just want to stay calm or a bit before I let reality catch up to me.” Sean’s smile was weak, but it was still a smile.

“Would cuddles help?”

“Definitely.” They smiled stupidly at each other before Jack scooted over to the side of the bed and Mark climbed in next to him, the Irishman ended up on his side with his head resting on the red-haired man’s muscular chest and their legs tangled together.

“You know, I would like it even more if this was to come off.” Sean said smugly, tugging at the hem of Mark’s shirt.

“Of course you would, but I’m not sure that the nurses would feel the same way.”

“Bummer” Sean pouted, but Mark could tell that he wasn’t actually sad.

Giving in to his instincts, the half-Korean leaned in and placed his lips over Jack’s, kissing his pout away, this took the other man by surprise but he eventually returned the kiss, smiling into it.

“What are we?” Mark asked as he pulled away.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean we obviously both like each other, a lot, and I want to be able to call you mine.”

Jack blushed at Mark’s words, “That sounds like a relationship.” He finally got out.

“Yeah, it does” Mark almost whispered, “I guess what I’m asking is, want to give it a shot? Give us a shot?”

“I would love nothing more” the younger of the two barely had time to finish his sentence before he’s pulled into yet another kiss, this one even more passionate than the last, and he absolutely loved it.

Despite Mark really enjoying the kiss he soon had to pull away to laugh when he could hear the heartbeat monitor Jack was attached to beeping rapidly.

“Oh, shut up.”

~~~~

During the next few hours Jack spent time with his visiting friends, they played some board games and just talked, Sean was glad to realize that he was actually having a really good time. However, all good things must come to an end, and their happy little session’s end was when a nurse walked in followed by a woman who introduced herself as the hospital’s psychologist. 

“I think this is our cue to leave” Bob said and stood up, looking over at Wade who was quick to do the same. “We’ll be back tomorrow though, and call us if there’s anything you need.” He finished before the two of them left the room.

The talk with the psychologist went better than Jack had thought it would, all thanks to Mark never leaving his side and squeezing his hand whenever the questions became too much. After scheduling another appointment, they were told that they could leave as soon as the doctor checked in on them to confirm that everything was fine, and she did just that less than an hour afterwards. Not being able to wait any further to go home Sean sprung out of the bed only to be stopped by Mark as he noticed the green-haired man’s unsteady rocking back and forth.

“Take it easy there, there’s no need to be so rushed.” The half-Korean smiled down at his boyfriend before letting go of his shoulder and moving over to were Bob had placed the duffel bag with their clothes. “Want to change before we leave?”

“God yes, I can’t wait to get out of this stupid hospital gown.” The smaller male groaned, hurrying over to take the sweatpants and the hoodie out of Mark’s hands. Scurrying over to the bathroom to change he left Mark waiting with a smile on his lips, he couldn’t wait to take his boyfriend back home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading, as always, comments and kudos are greatly appreciated and so is constructive critisism c:
> 
> also, would you rather have long chapters or short chapters that are published more frequently??


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, I am so sorry about the delay on this chapter, but school has been fucking me over so I haven't had time to write. But thank you so much for all the feedback on the last chapter, it really means a lot!
> 
> @ourblankminds on tumblr is now editing this fic which helps a lot so everyone go show them some love <3

As Mark pulled up in the driveway of his house he looked over at Sean, "I know we're supposed to be super happy and all that now and don't get me wrong, I am, but I'm also worried. I hope you understand that I won't be able to leave you alone for long and that I will have to keep checking your arms and making sure you eat, okay?  
Sean bit his lip but nodded anyway, "Okay, I understand."  
"Good, now why don't we go in and cuddle and watch a movie?" The older male asked with a smile.  
"That sounds lovely."  
~~~~  
The plan had been to watch a movie in bed but frankly, that did not quite work out, less than twenty minutes in and Jack was already straddling Mark's hips, his lips working on leaving marks down the half-Korean's torso.  
Shy fingers made their way under the hem of the younger man's shirt and caused him to quickly sit up.  
"Sorry I..."  
“No it’s okay, I’m just not ready yet.”  
“Anything you want love.”

The younger man slid of his boyfriend’s waist and laid down on his chest, for some reason he felt the need to keep apologising.  
“Sean, for real, it’s okay. I love you and I want you to be comfortable and okay with everything we do.  
“Y-you love me?” Sean's eyes were wide open and his lips parted, portraying absolute confusion on his porcelain face.  
"Wasn't that clear?" Mark laughed upon seeing the face Jack had made. "Of course I do. so much, you have no idea."  
While the green-haired male still had a hard time believing this, he couldn't help but become ecstatic at the words. Mark fucking Fischbach just said he loved him.  
"I love you too." Sean barely had time to get the sentence out before he was cut off by yet another kiss from the beautiful man underneath him. "I know."  
Smiling the older man pulled Jack closer to him and just held him close until sleep overtook them both.

~~~~

The remainder of the week was spent in much the same fashion, the two men relaxing in the house and just enjoying each other's company. They decided to spend some more time with Bob and Wade before they left to go back to their own homes, and called them in for a games night. Needless to say, the two visiting men had been nervous wrecks upon arriving, they had both been awfully worried for the Irishman and seeing the concern and love they felt for him truly meant a lot to Sean, he couldn't believe he had such caring friends.

Unfortunately Bob and Wade had to leave early due to their plane boarding at 6 the next morning so they couldn’t stay for long, with promises of seeing each other soon again the friends said goodbye to each other.  
As Mark was pulled into a hug by Bob he heard a whisper in his ear

“Take care of him alright?”

“I will, I promise.”  
With a smile Bob let go of his friend and he made his way out the door, accompanied by Wade.

Even though Jack loved his friends and meeting them was amazing, it drained him of energy, he was completely exhausted at this point. Turning around he rested his back against the hard wood of the front door and slid down to sit on the floor. He pulled his legs up to his chest and let his head loll back, shooting a tired glance up at his boyfriend who was giving him confused worried looks. 

“Are you alright?”

“Yeah m’fine, just a bit tired is all.” The Irishman was sure that he hadn’t been believed so to convince Mark he forced a smile, but the fact that it didn’t quite reach his eyes did not go unnoticed by the half-Korean.

“Sean, we need to talk.”

Jack sighed, this did not bode well. “About what exactly?”He snapped.

Mark looked taken about at the harshness of the younger man’s words and considered saying he was sorry before realizing he had no need to do so.  
Instead, Jack was the one who apologized.  
“Sorry, didn’t mean to snap. I’m just so tired and... “ He trailed of.  
Mark was curious about what the green-haired man was going to say but decided to drop it, he did not want to put any further burden on his boyfriend.

“It’s okay. We do have to talk though, about your, uhm, eating disorders.”

“They’re not eating disorders, I’m just being healthy.”

Sighing, the half-Korean rubbed his eyes and said calmly “You’re not being healthy and you know that damn well.”

“Being fat isn’t healthy, so technically I am being healthy.” The Irishman shot back.

“Being underweight is just as unhealthy, and you are dangerously underweight Sean.”

“I wish” the Irishman muttered under his breath.

“What was that?”

“Nothing, sorry.”

Sitting down cross legged in front of the green-haired man Mark spoke up again  
“I need you to do something for me, think you can do that?”

“Of course, what is it?” Jack didn't hesitate in the slightest before answering the half-Korean.

“I need you to give me your blades and eat proper meals with me at least twice a day.” Jack looked taken aback by Mark’s request and stern voice.

“Mark I…”

“Please Sean, if not for yourself, for me?”

“Fine” the younger male huffed before shakily making his way up on his two feet to head to the bedroom to retrieve his hidden blades.  
He felt even more awful than he already had as he decided to keep one, just in case. Putting the little piece of metal back in the little tin can and wrapping it up in the sock he used to store them, he ignored the guilt tugging at his heart and turned around to make his way downstairs to give the other blades to Mark.

Sean found the older man waiting for him by the foot of the stairs with his hands held out in front of him, palms turned up signalling that he was expecting Jack to drop his blades there. 

Not saying anything Mark turned around and quickly made his way to the bathroom where Jack could hear the toilet flushing.

The sight Mark was met with when he returned truly broke his heart, there curled up in the floor was the man he loved, quietly sniffling and wiping his eyes on his sleeves. Mark quickly got back to the hurting man’s side and held him while he cried, whispering promises of everything being okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading c: as always, kudos and comments are greatly appreciated, as well as constructive criticism.  
> feel free to follow me on tumblr and talk to me if you want :D
> 
> http://www.markibach.tumblr.com/ (don't know if links work on ao3 but I'm still posting it here.)


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> once again, im soo sooo sorry for how incredibly long it has taken me to update but i've been dealing with school and life and shit. excuses, i know, but at least i've got another chapter for you now. 
> 
> enjoy!

Saying that going a week without self harming and with eating two proper meals everyday would be hard, was the understatement of the entire fucking year according to a certain green-haired Irishman. Every single time Sean had been in the kitchen the past week had ended in either a breakdown or a full on panic attack.

It was on the eighth day that he finally broke, Mark was in his recording room and Sean was stood in front of the bathroom mirror, inspecting every part of his body, there was no denying he had gained weight. He frowned at the way his stomach puffed out over the hem of his boxer briefs, prodding at it with his fingers. It was at moments like these he had been told to go seek help, but Mark was busy working and Jack didn't want to disturb him. Casting a last glance at his reflection he turned around to retrieve his phone from the bedside table in their bedroom.

With heavy metal blasting from the phone's speaker he turned on the tap and let the water hit the porcelain of the sink to make even more noise, all to be sure he could not be heard. Even if Mark was wearing his headphones the Irishman wanted to be sure he was not going to be interrupted.

He leaned forward over the toilet bowl and let the sobs wrack through his body as he purged into the water, catching glimpses of his lunch which only caused him to feel even more sick. When he was no longer able to get rid of anything and was left dry heaving, he slowly stood up on shaky legs and flushed the toilet, impossibly hating himself even more than before. But still he knew he needed this.

As a distraction from the horrid thoughts plaguing his mind the Ireland-born once again made his way to the bedroom he shared with Mark, but this time to dig the razor blade out of his suit case that he had yet to unpack. It was weird how he’d lived here for a month yet he had not unpacked his bag yet, an annoying voice in the back of his mind told him that it was because if Mark ever came to his senses and decided to finally throw the Irishman out, he’d be somewhat prepared.

Once Sean was finally back in the bathroom, this time with a sharp metal object hidden in his fist, he quickly turned the shower on, with water warm enough to leave his pale skin an angry red, and immediately got in, not even bothering to remove his underwear from his thin hips. After just standing under the spray of scalding hot water for minutes, the pale man moved the blade to his stomach and drew a quick sharp line. Hissing at the pain and the way the water burned the cut he quickly fell back into his addiction and kept slashing lines all over his abdomen, soon moving up to his ribs and then down to his hips and trembling thighs as he ran out of space.

Before long the Irishman's mind had been cleared of the negative thoughts, yet he did not stop carving, not until his vision was blacking and he was unable to stand up by himself, not until his breaths were coming out ragged and short and he could no longer feel the way the water splashed against his shaking body. He did not stop until there was pounding on the door and screaming coming from the other side, not until his body was cradled by arms belonging to a much bigger one and hands were removing the blade from his blood-stained fingers.

If it had not been for the half-Korean holding him back, Jack was not sure he would ever have stopped.

~~~~

Mark was so incredibly proud of his Irish boyfriend, he had gone a whole week without relapsing and Mark could not be happier, yet somehow he knew things were going a bit too well to be true. It was when he was rendering a newly edited video that he heard the music coming from up the stairs, taking off his headphones he made his way to the bedroom that he shared with Sean, expecting to find him on the bed with his phone or laptop. However, what he did not expect was to find the door to their en suite bathroom closed and locked with the sound of a heavy metal song almost drowning out the splashing of water hitting tiles and broken sobs.

Immediately he was banging on the door, calling out for his partner, but was met with no response. Taking a few steps back from the piece of wood shielding him from Jack he once again charged at it, managing to break the lock this time. The air in the bathroom was warm and laced with the scent of blood and vomit and caused the half-Korean to gag as he made his way inside. Yet he paid no attention to anything other than the body of his boyfriend lying limp against the shower wall. As quickly as possible, Mark made his way to Sean’s side to pick him up and carry him out of the shower to place his little body on the bathroom counter.

“Sean, stay with me. Come on, you can do it. Please Sean.”  
Mark contemplated slapping the other across the cheek when suddenly Jack’s eyelids fluttered open, showing off his red rimmed eyes.

“Oh my god you're awake. Thank God you're awake.”  
The red-haired man was not able to stop the stream of words pouring out of his mouth upon the realization that Jack was awake.

~~~~

Strong arms encircled him and pulled him away from the warmth that had previously been engulfing him in a pleasant way, but was practically burning him at this point, while callings of his name and desperate pleas that he would wake up brought him back.

A warm red was the first thing he could see, straining his eyes he was finally able to locate it as Mark’s hair.

Mark

Trying to sit up properly he felt warm big hands on his shoulders holding him down.

“Easy there Sean, I'm not going anywhere.”

Not being able to hold back the ugly sobs, Jack once again broke down crying and clung to his boyfriend while countless apologies escaped his chapped, quivering lips.

“Shh honey, it's okay. I'm here and I love you, I won't leave you.” It took some time but finally Mark's comforting words and soothing voice managed to get the Irishman to calm down enough for him to stop crying and being able to breathe properly. It seemed that the half-Korean’s promises of him never leaving were the only thing that could calm the pale, crying man down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im sorry, but things have to get worse before they get better, right?
> 
> go and show my lovely editor @ourblankestminds on tumblr some love! <3

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks so much for reading, comments and kudos are always welcome, as well as constructive critisism c:


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